Monday, June 2, 2014

The Long Needed Return

As life becomes crazier my drive to write this blog becomes smaller and smaller.  Today however I feel empowered.  I would be extremely selfish if I didn't share with those willing to listen of my most recent lightbulb moment.  It was a lightbulb that wasn't entirely out, I had seen the light from it multiple times and in multiple places in my life, but recently I was finally able to determine what it was.
A little recap of what has happened in my life recently.  Thing haven't been going my way.  I served a mission and I got sick.  I came home to many friends no longer being active in a church they once seemed so strong in, but even worse, they became infrequent in the gospel.  Many family members and friends made decisions while I was gone  and those decisions had an effect on me and all around them.  I started dating a guy and it all seemed to be going well until one day when it wasn't.  I was left heart broken and felt like I couldnt pick up all the pieces.  I began missing the areas that I had served it.  I missed being part of something bigger than myself.  I missed waking up at 6:30 (thats the time missionaries wake up) and putting on a nametag every morning.  I missed what I thought was what made up the mission.
I considered finding a way to return to the field.  To pick up where I left off.  I considered leaving and just making a new start where I was far away from everyone and nobody knew my story so I could just write my own.  All of these thoughts ran through my mind as I tried to just survive each day emotionally.
I noticed at that time that my prayers and scripture study had been lacking.  I wasn't finding the joy that I once found in hearing the word of God.  I was going to church and doing the bare minimum in my callings just because it was something that I knew I needed to do, but not something that I wanted to do.  I was becoming more and more spiritually inactive and I didn't even notice it.
Luckily, I am blessed to know that when you mess up once it is not the end.  To know that there is a chance to change and to not be who I was becoming.  There is that chance because of Jesus Christ.  He not only died on the cross and was raised from the dead 3 days later, but he also lived for me.  Every moment of  his life on earth was part of that sacrifice that he made.  He lived a perfect life, an example that I can follow.  He spoke of scripture study and prayer.  He spoke of Sabbath day worship and being clean.  He spoke of the decisions that I needed to make in order to return to spiritual activity.
As I changed my bad habits into good ones again and as I prayed to know the way I began to feel the peace that I once felt on the mission; the peace that I was looking for without really knowing it.  The more I studied the more opportunities that opened up to share the gospel and to strengthen those around me that I loved.  
My God is a loving God.  He is a caring God.  He knows what is best for me and He knows the right timing for me.  He is truly the person that I need to give not only my heart to, but everything that I am because in reality, it is all His.  
On my mission I remember reading a story.  I can't remember the title and if and when I find a link to it I will put it up here, but it was a story about a house.  It was a house that was a bit of a fixer-upper.  One day the Savior came to stay at the house.  As a payment for staying he would do work around the house.  He would clean and fix things.  He would organize and dust.  He was allowed to be everywhere except for this one closet.  It was a closet that was messy and dirty and hid all the secrets.  Later in the story the owner of the house realizes that they don't want to have those secrets anymore.  They give the deed of the house to the Lord and He lets the owner still live there.  
I don't remember the details but I know that as I read it I thought of how I needed to give my will to the Lord.  Give Him my all and let Him be in control of what was happening in my life.
My life hasnt gone the way I had planned.  Every plan I had for the most part has changed completely in the last few months, but I know that it will all work out in the end.  I choose to give my will to the Lord and just follow what He asks me to do.